Yesterday, I had my mother with me the whole day. I have had the blessing of being able to spend time with my mom on a regular basis. But, this time, I, sadly, realized that I am losing a little part of my mother each day. It was a bittersweet experience. I loved having her here so we could talk, visit my dad’s gravesite, and let her spend time with a couple of my children and some of my grandchildren. I know she loves and appreciates the visits. But, I also noticed some subtle, but sad changes in her. I am realizing that her Alzheimer's is slowly progressing and therefore, she is slowly changing. I realize that when I talk to some others they haven't really noticed a change, but I do.
I noticed that when she is away from Rose’s home she has more anxiety than usual. Rose’s home is the place that is most familiar to her and where she feels the most comfortable. At my house when I was upstairs for a little while, she got up and was anxiously looking around the house. When she saw me she was obviously relieved and said, “Oh, Jenny, I wondered where you had gone.” Her memory doesn't hold quite as long as it used to. In one hour I had to tell her many times that we were going to go the Tahoma National Cemetery to visit dad’s gravesite. On the 7 miles trip there she must have asked me 4 times where we were going. When I ran into a store to get some flowers, she preferred to stay in the car. When I got back with the flowers, she asked what they were for. Later, I mentioned that Rebecca was going to meet us there. When she saw her, she knew she should be familiar, but couldn’t remember her name and acted surprised that she came. I notice that she tells me more frequently and somewhat sadly, "See I don't remember that".
Her topics of conversation mostly revolve around dad, Rose and John. If you ask her question about other family members she draws a blank. Don't get me wrong she remembers each of her children, she just doesn't remember anything recent to talk about. She misses dad so much and wants to talk about the things she can remember about him…..his mission to West Virginia, their brief courtship, how hard he worked, their missions together and his being unable to care for himself at the end. She must have told me 50 times by now how when she knew he was going to die soon, that she told him, “Now when you get there you be sure and tell Heavenly Father not to wait too long to come and get me so that we can be missionaries together on the other side.” I think she talks about this frequently because she wants to be with him so much and that it seems like a good reason for Heavenly Father to let her go be with him.
She gets details mixed up and if her feelings get hurt, she remembers the emotions, but gets things confused. She is just sure that Rose and John do not want her there permanently (obviously not true)….and that some day she will be without a place to live. No amount of reassurance helps for very long, because she forgets the reassurance quickly (but not the perceived idea that they don’t really want her there). I’m sure I have no idea how these feelings must eat at her every day and cause her unneeded worry. Rose mentioned that mom doesn’t want to keep score anymore when they play table games (possibly due to no longer being able to do the math). Also, that she gets the games of Scrabble and Dominoes mixed up some times. (Interesting though, that she can still rattle off all 55 counties in West Virginia...a contest she won as a little girl in school).
Lately, I have noticed a sadness and fear in her eyes. I think there are two reasons for that. First, that she is so lonely without dad, and second, that she realizes that she just simply is losing her memory more and more. Rose said that it is different each day in how much she forgets. I can’t imagine being in a place that is unfamiliar to you and not knowing why you are there. Or, going to bed each night and not remembering significant events of the day. (Or even remembering throughout the day any event). It must be scary to have to have to live in the present, but only be able to remember well the past. She hasn’t forgotten me yet, but when I was out of her sight for a little bit she got worried. In the evening when we went out to eat, I noticed some anxiety in her. She stayed very close to me and insisted on sitting right next to me at the table. Maria, said that when I had taken Brody outside for a little walk, that she seemed a little disoriented. She first asked for Rose. Later, she kept asking where I was. Unfamiliarity and frequent lack of memory equals fear for her. No wonder she likes being where she remembers where she is and what room she is in.
I remember the phrase Nancy Reagan used in referring to President Reagan’s Alzheimer’s disease….”it is the long good-bye”. But, it is not just a long good-bye for those who love someone with Alzheimer’s disease, but it is also a long good-bye for those who have it. They are slowly having to say good-bye to their own memories of relationships and of life experiences here on this earth. It is heartbreaking!! And that makes me want to cry!! However, I do believe with all my heart, that the mind may forget, but the spirit will always remember. I am grateful for the knowledge that in the hereafter she will have her perfect memory back.
I hope she will not have to suffer long with this disease…for her sake! I hope that she will get her greatest desire to soon be with my dad. In the meantime, I am so grateful to Rose and John for taking such good care of her and for their desire to make her life as stress-free and comfortable as possible. And I plan to continue to visit her on a regular basis because even if she eventually forgets who I am, "I remember who she is". (a quote from a story on Alzheimer's that I recently read)
